Do you ever lay awake at night and here the sound of time ticking? Not from a clock, but from all the decisions that you made that you wish you could overturn? There were three decisions in my life that I made that I would have overturned.
- I never would have moved when I was 18.
- I would have never moved back from Oregon when I was 21.
- I would never have not followed my dreams to make films.
The last one of course, was the decision that ended my entire creativity cycle in life. I had so many ideas for ways I could change the way the world viewed me…and really see that deep inside of me lay the ability to show the world how to deal with pain through imagery and story. I wanted to tell those stories without words…and have everyone walk out of a showing saying how they would never be the same.
Truth be told…that isn’t really possible…because nobody does that.
I feel as if everything I want to say…all the words I might have, have never been created.
I…me…I am a miserable person. I do miserable things, and give into everyone else. This way, I can avoid the discussion that we all know needs to happen. That I am at heart, wanting to be alone.
I don’t want anyone around. Not a single person. I want to watch old movies, and stare out the window as the world drives by. All the while, I will contemplate what needs to happen next. Do I move? Do I start somewhere new, and meet all new people?
Only a few times in your life do you get the chance to completely re-invent yourself. I need to call in that help…I need a reinvention.
So it begins with all of this fanfare…or lack of it.
I doubt many people’s lives follow the course that they plot out when they are young. Mine was supposed to be as a star in the NBA, or perhaps making films. Maybe I would write the novel that would change the world…or better yet, the song that nobody could turn an eye from.
Instead it has led here. To this blog…this place where I am inspired to tell nobody I know, how it really is. Sort of…the place I can actually say what I want, and act out on things I want to…with no repercussions.
Im a pretty simple person. The key to who I am lies in the passion and the love of something artistic. Most notably, music. I love the emotion trapped in music…even a song like Rocky Mountain High makes me feel something passionate. If I can feel that passion, and develop a picture in my mind of something that I feel strongly for…then odds are it is a piece of who I am.
I write all day, and I write all night. On paper, electronically, or in my head. I love to capture memories…because when you are all alone, the memories are what you have to keep you company.